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Guest Blog #5
Published on 17/11/06
by John Phillips
Normally, there are only two games I get excited for each year. The Florida vs. FSU game, and the BCS National Championship. This year a little different. I don’t think I’ve ever seen as much excitement for a game like for the one tomorrow. This has the potential to be one of the greatest football games ever. Not only is it a rivalry, but it’s #1 vs. #2. You can’t get much better than that unless it’s the championship game on top of it.
So I decided to bring in a guest blogger for this particular time. Now, you probably will recognize who he is by his writing, because there’s a good chance I’ve sent you a link to his site before. If he doesn’t sound familiar then just enjoy it anyways. As a disclaimer, some of the guest bloggers views don’t necessarily reflect my personal views! This guy is funny, sarcastic, and blatantly honest. So enjoy….
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Hello, my name is Jung Bong. I am a Korean immigrant who attended high school in Ann Arbor, where all the hippies taught me how to read and write English good. My foster parents, Big Asshole Guy and Ugly White Bitch, tried to get me to love Michigan and hate Ohio State. I hated Big Asshole Guy and Ugly White Bitch. They never cooked rice the right way, so I had to go to Panda Express in the Michigan Union for authentic Chinese cuisine. I moved to Ohio to spite my foster parents. Those sterile homos. They were unable to produce children on their own. What kind of stupid unevolved woman cannot form eggs in her body? Anyway, I live in Cleveland now, where Ohio State football is bigger than Cleveland Browns football for some strange reason. I don’t understand it. The Browns seemed like a very highly talented team during that one game I saw them play in Detroit against the Lions.
In Ohio, the people are not hippies. They do not smoke marijuana as much, and there are not as many Birkenstock-wearing women licking each other on the tongues in public. The Ohioans are slightly fatter, believe it or not, than Michiganders. There are many White Castles here, but not as many Starbucks – I can only find one for each street corner now. Ohio people seem to have more red color on their necks and speak less intelligently than the people I knew in Ann Arbor. They play a game that was seemingly designed for mentally retarded children, where they throw bean bags through wooden toilet-hole-like things. Big Asshole Guy and Ugly White Bitch mail me lots of letters, but I just tape them together to make big blankets to give to homeless people. I was once homeless in Shanghai. No one gave me letter blankets.
Now it is the week when people in Ann Arbor and in Cleveland constantly refer to “The Game”. I was never a big football fan (again, to spite my foster parents), but even I could understand the magnitude of it. I went to Cornell for college, so I still believe the epic Cornell 2, Columbia 0 game of 2002 was the biggest game of all-time, but Michigan-Ohio State is still pretty big. This year, Michigan is #2 and Ohio State is #1, so “The Game” is as big as my Brazilian friend Tiago’s penis. I decided to read about the players and coaches involved so that I am not ignorant about sports like how all non-Asians are ignorant about math and cello. I also ventured to the city of Columbus for the weekend to get a feel of what the atmosphere really is like.
On Thursday night, all the people with red color on their necks jumped into a lake in Columbus while chanting “O-H!” and “I-O!”. I did not understand this. The water must have been no warmer than 40 degrees. These people in Columbus appear not only to be fat like those in Cleveland, but also amazingly stupid. They take pride in spelling the four-letter name of their state and they jump in cold water with no clothes on. Why? To have more attractive nipple structures? Speaking of nipples, the Ohio State girls were quite impressive to look at. I wonder how they avoid all the White Castles and Taco Bells when they occur every two miles or so in the city. They had nice white skin and young perky features. They were much better than the girls in Ann Arbor, which is possibly an instance of inverse correlation between intelligence and desire of men to have access to their lotus flowers.
Everyone in Columbus wears scarlet red except for me. It is okay, though, because I wear a carnelian red Cornell sweatshirt, and these idiots cannot tell the difference between scarlet and carnelian. There is a bar here that is much like Necto’s in Ann Arbor, except it is actually a nice place to be. I went there after I went to the lake. It is called Spice, and it is a very luxurious dance club. However, the bouncer did not allow me to enter for some reason. I did not know why. Confused and sad, I moped away in my Cornell sweatshirt and pajama pants. I went next door to a less accommodating place for a Korean like me, a bar called Gaswerks. I do not know what a gaswerks is, but it looked fun, and they let me in. It is more like Rick’s in Ann Arbor, except even dirtier. Many people were wearing Ohio State football jerseys. Many girls did not talk to me. I was the only person with slanted eyes at Gaswerks. I went home after an hour of ordering Mojitos on Big Asshole Guy and Ugly White Bitch’s credit card.
All that was left to do in preparation for the game was to learn about the teams and then steal a ticket from a drunk sorority girl. After much internet surfing, and after punching a short Tri-Delt in the face and taking her ticket, I learned the following:
1. Ohio State has a black man who is good at multi-tasking, so he reminds me a lot of myself. Troy Smith can both run and throw equally well, and he has given Michigan many problems in the past. However, Michigan has a new defensive coordinator who has greatly improved the Michigan defense this year. I expect that he will not attack Troy Smith too much because he is a fellow black man and they must stick together in this Republican/Nazi-led country.
2. Michigan has a running back who can “eat clock” apparently. I do not know how someone can be good at eating clocks, but Mike Hart can allegedly do it, and it is supposed to be very beneficial to Michigan. They are the less talented team, and people expect them to lose by about 7 points, so they will have to eat a lot of clocks to make the game closer. Again, I do not understand how this concept works (football is not as simple as multi-variable calculus for me), but Mike Hart is the master of eating clocks.
3. Both teams have speedy black men at wide receiver. This is no surprise, as black men generally have more fast-twitch muscle fibers than other people, but Ted Ginn, Anthony Gonzalez, Mario Manningham, and Steve Breaston are supposedly even faster than your average black man running with stolen electronics in his hand. What is puzzling to me is that Anthony Gonzalez does not sound like a black name, but he is extremely fast, so he must be black. Breaston has underachieved throughout his career, but he has one last game to channel the talent he displayed against Texas two years ago, when he had over 300 all-purpose yards. Manningham might be the best route-runner of any wide receiver since Marvin Harrison. Ted Ginn is the fastest man I have ever heard of. He is the one everyone fears. He is the one who makes defenses clear a path for Antonio Pittman. An interesting fact is that Ginn is not even Ohio State’s best receiver.
4. Ohio State’s defense has 21 interceptions on the year. 21?! That is almost 2 each game. If I was an Ohio State fan, I would be afraid because of this statistic. What happens if Ohio State doesn’t force 2 interceptions in The Game, as they normally do in other games? What happens if the turnovers are equal? Do they still dominate everyone like they have all year? I would be very worried about this in Columbus, because the great eater of clocks, Mike Hart, does not fumble, and Michigan’s quarterback does not throw many interceptions. Chad Henne has made people in Ann Arbor less angry about John Navarre, but he has not made them forget about Tom Brady or Drew Henson. Tom Brady and Drew Henson beat Ohio State. Chad Henne does not beat Ohio State, but he has at least one more chance.
5. Bo Schembechler has died. Now there will be even more emotion attached to The Game, if that is at all possible. You know, I am actually starting to become excited about attending this game with that ticket I stole from that sorority slut. Imagining Michigan storm the Horseshoe, in the most hostile of atmospheres, with “Win one for Bo!” ringing in their ears, against the best team in the country, playing for a national championship, with all the pieces in place to actually pull off the upset… it all caused me to have a great embarrassment in this library I am typing in. Do you know how hard it is to walk around in a library with a full-blown erection and wet spots around the point? And what about Ohio State? Running onto their home field with over 100,000 fans in scarlet red (and one in carnelian red) chanting something like “O-H!” or “I-O!” or “aaaaahalalalyyyyaaaa” while drunken to the point of black-out-ness, playing as the team of destiny, with their only true rivals trying to take away what has been assumed to be theirs since the beginning of the season… it all caused me to have another great embarrassment in the library.
This is the game that has caused me, Jung Bong, to become a football fan. I will watch as my multi-tasking mirror image, Troy Smith, dissects the Michigan secondary, which is very weak beyond Leon Hall. I will watch as the eater of clocks runs through a mediocre Ohio State run defense, led by only one good linebacker – the Butkus award favorite, James Laurinitis. At first, I did not believe this man really existed, because I thought it was just some man named James who had a swollen Laurin. Sometimes I make mistakes and they are unintentionally funny. Anyway, I will watch as those four great wide receivers try to answer each game-breaking play with one of their own. I will watch as the man in the nerdy Ohio State sweater vest tries to beat the ogre-like man in the Michigan sweatshirt for the fourth time in five tries.
Jung Bong’s Prediction: Chad Henne to Adrian Arrington, 43-yard “Hail Bo” pass as time expires, Michigan 27, Ohio State 24. Ohio State then wins the BCS Championship game.
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I am going to disagree, and say that OSU will be the victors here. At least I really hope they are. Either way, Florida moves up this week! 
I can’t wait to see this game!